Rough Weather: Metaphorically and Literally

I again apologize for the lack of updates the past couple weeks. We spent the majority of last week fishing in Canada! Lake Esnagi is absolutely gorgeous! We got to spend some time relaxing, playing Cards Against Humanity and just got away from day to day responsibilities. We did not however do a lot of reeling in fish. It seems like we barely caught anything the entire trip!

We encountered some unfortunate weather on day 1 and we were lucky to slowly make our way back to the lodge tackling the waves. When we finally got back to the lodge, two of our group members were missing. Some very large waves took over their boat and they capsized. They managed to make it to shore when one of them got pinned between the boat and a large rock. In the excitement to get out on the water, he had also left his passport, wallet and truck keys in his backpack. He lost all of that and gained some pretty gnarly battle wounds. Some men from the lodge were able to get out there and bring them back within a few hours. Thankfully they had a high visibility vest with them and used it to flag down another boat. They were both (mostly) ok and they were able to make arrangements to get back into the country without a passport. They were good sports about the whole ordeal and were cracking jokes as they got back to the lodge.

While we would have enjoyed some more pleasant weather and a few more bites, it was still nice to get away. Brian and I have been struggling lately. The entire process of IVF has been a lot more emotional than I ever expected. There's the anxiety while waiting for all the tests, worrying about the financial side of IVF and worrying that it may not work. The fact that we could go through all of this and still wind up without a baby hadn't even crossed my mind until a month or so ago. Then there is the thought that we would go through all of this and our child could still be plagued with EB. While there is only a small chance that this could happen, there is still a chance, which is scary. I've been praying a lot for strength lately.

Brian has been trying so hard  to be strong for the both of us. While I worry about every little detail and feel absolutely insane, his response is often along the lines of "It will all work out". I have been wrongly interpreting his efforts at staying calm and trying to keep me calm as him not caring. Two 10-hour car rides gave us the opportunity to do a lot of talking and we got a lot of things cleared up.

My thought pattern goes a little something like this:

1) I feel anxious about everything taking so long
2) I feel anxious that we may not be able to afford everything and we may not be able to move forward
3) I feel worried that we may take every necessary step towards preventing our children from having EB and they still wind up with it
4) I feel guilty for worrying about that as there are women who have been trying to have babies for years and are still childless
5) I feel silly for feeling guilty as I know my feelings are valid
6) I feel overwhelmed and try to think about something else.

This all goes through my brain constantly throughout the day. Brian calls it "Spaghetti Brain". I forget where we heard it, but it is said that men have "Waffle Brains". They have little separate compartments for each aspect of their lives. They can leave one section of waffle and not think about it until they decide they want to think about that specific thing. Women on the other hand have "Spaghetti Brains" where everything is intertwined and we think about a thousand things at once. I don't know about you, but I've always liked waffles more than spaghetti!

We have an appointment tomorrow with the nurses who will coordinate our IVF cycle. They will review my bloodwork to decide which medications I will need to take. This appointments is pretty much to plan out our entire IVF cycle. They told us this it often takes up to 2 hours so I'm sure we will get a lot of new information to share.

-Emily